GOD, MOM, & CHURCH

Mom woke me up yesterday morning.  Very gently, but it was definitely her voice.  

I was having a bad dream.  the dream started out lovely.  I was watching a beautiful woman with an athletic build on a  diving board.  She was getting ready to dive nd I remember thinking how impressed I was with her beauty and perfect form as she was getting ready to dive.  She was doing a swan dive from the highest diving board, and she dove perfectly into nothing but cement.  I saw her lying on the cement; bloody…unrecognizable.

Just at that time, my mom (who died in October of 2014) said to me, “Jann, wake up.” in the most gentle voice.  Yesterday was Sunday and I quickly, almost automatically took a bath, and got ready for church.

Lately,  I have been isolating from family and friends more and more.  I have neglected to get in touch with God and have felt like I’m on a row boat on a turbulent ocean.  Fear.  That’s what it is.  And what a waste of time.

I spent 100% of my day Saturday watching movies and series after series of “Ray Donovan”. Among other things.  Movies I can’t recall a mere 2 days ago.  24  hours I’ll never get back.

Nobody is going to come over to my house and tell me to get off my ass and get to church, or a meeting, or a walk.  I lack motivation and structure and I blame it on the fact that I am alone.

So Mom… woke me up Sunday morning, and I went to my favorite Recovery Church.  I also went to a place to play games and socialize with my new AA family.

Sometimes I wish I belonged to a circle of friends outside of AA, but it I am afraid.  They say to me, “You have to “put yourself out there” but I don’t know how.  It used to be the bars and after-the-bar-closes parties where I used to go to make friends.  But that doesn’t work for me anymore.

Mom always said that church was the answer. I will find God in church, and I will make friends in church.  I just have to show up.  Just like AA.  I simply have to show up.

So I am grateful that Mom saw fit to urge me to get up, in my dream.  She would’ve been happier if I had chosen the traditional Lutheran church.  I belong to both.  One for the hymns, one for the relaxed and youth-oriented atmosphere.

Commitment issues?  Perhaps next time